Sunday, April 25, 2010


This is a negative but none-fishing for compliments type blog entry in which I express my insides. Just thinking.

I do believe I am selfish

This is something I've been told time and time again.

"The world doesn't revolve around you, Andrea".


In my head, it does.

It's not always a horrible thing. It's a folly. Part of my charm.

I don't know where or why it began. Also, being territorial comes along with the, um, well, territory of being selfish.

I really do not mean to be. I work hard hard hard at trying.

I try at a lot of things negative: selfishness, anger, temper, frustration.

I am a lot of these things wrapped into one.

(trying trying trying)

And yet I find people still love ME. It's hard to imagine that I am all of those things and yet somehow the good in me shines through and family and friends choose to like, love and want to be in my own company

I'm not bragging, just thinking.

Having a child has helped me immensely although this was never ever a fix all thought or wish by any means. We chose to have children to give after all. I love him so much.

My most selfish time of the day is evening when I cut out of living early and zone out sitting in bed reading and writing. I cherish this hour I have to myself. I crave it and depend on it and I am fiercely protective of my early bed time. I need that unwind time from pretending to NOT be selfish and angry and bitter all day.

To say I have issues is putting it lightly. Every one has issues though. Just some of us are more honest and vocal about themselves than other.

I don't beat up on myself anymore. I just choose to put it out there and work with it. It's definitely a defense mechanism. Pointing out your flaws before others point them out to you.

I just want to be me. The older I have gotten the more comfortable I am with myself in all aspects.

I just try and be realistic and most the time people don't want to hear that so I stifle my inner person or cover her up with a tiny giggle or smile or a nod of a head. It's more socially acceptable. I'm kind of reaching the point where I'm ready to break out again and just be Andrea. The girl that can be rude or abrupt but will always let you know what she thinks. All the while trying to maintain a little tact.

But I bet I'll make you smile or laugh or think along the way.


Caitlin said...

Love it. We're pretty stinking similar.

John frequently tells me I would be the world's worst diplomat, because I have a tendency to call it as I see it...Honestly though, I think more stuff would get done if everyone WAS more realistic rather than trying to sugar coat things and make them seem more palatable. Here's hoping to more yous and mes. :)

Anonymous said...

Andrea, my dearest sister, I love you for exactly the person God made you! I pray you never stifle yourself and be you at all times! God blessed me with such an awesome person as my bestest friend and I wouldn't want that person to be any different.