Got some dirt on my shoulders could you brush it off for me?

I don't know why I got this thought that life was equal and just. Or that if it wasn't equal and just that I could MAKE it equal and just, or at least enforce it in my life. I feel as if I've done a pretty good job, that was until I had children. This is not a dig on my husband, just an emphisis on how self sacraficing mothers are/become/will be.

I used to have such an active social life. I had dinners, events, parties, etc. Granted most of them involved alcohol and celebration, it was still a party, a gathering of people I knew and loved. We got together, we drank, we ate. We were merry and made joy. coversations flowed and I was challenged in mind.

I was not a drone. Not a wallflower. I was an individual person with individual ideas. I made people laugh, I laughed at other people. We conversated about current events, personal dramas, food, fashion, politics, etc. I was smart at one point.

Now I just feel like I'm sucking oxygen up in an already over populated world. A waste of space. A drone.

Don't cue the violins. I don't expect nor care if I garner any sympathy. My favorite thought of the moment is, "it is what it is".

I feel like a jerk. I'm a stay at home Mom and I should be counting my blessings that I am blessed enough to be able to stay at home and enjoy the day with my son. I do enjoy it...I'm just bored. I'm bored and jaded. I miss working. You know, the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" thing? I'm having a hard time with it. I really do think the grass is greener on the other side and I wanna lay on that.

I want to go out after work with friends and have a few drinks. I want to drive home after having one glass of wine without feeling completely guilty. I want to be Andrea.

This Mother role is hard. The hardest role I've ever played. I have to be completely self sacrificing, put others before me 24/7, be happy when I could give a shit and do fucking housework on top of it. Quite frankly, it's a crappy gig. And it never, ever, ever, ever ends.

The rewards are great and I love my son; please if you ever doubt anything about me, don't ever doubt that. I also have no doubt that I'm a good mother and a good wife.

But like I said I am bored, my brain is dead and I just want to scream to my husband, "It's NOT FAIR!!!!!".

P.S. This is an honest to God conversation in my mind. If you are offended or can't handle it, blow off.

Laundry and Crawling

HOLY SHIT. I FINALLY CAUGHT OUR LAUNDRY UP.

That's the accomplishment today. For a week I have been trying to tackle this never ending laundry battle of all sorts of evil socks, burp cloths, underwear, blankets, never ending.

This girl has now decided to SORT laundry now which I've never done before in my life, but now I must concede and submit. Sorting laundry, never thought I'd do that. Never thought I'd write a blog about laundry or get excited about it but such is my life now. Different, fun. Like reading about it seems lame but it's not because it's an a BATTLE and I will WIN.

For the record I will still not IRON.

Why am I using all these CAPS? I just it's because when you read it just imagine me being EXTRA DRAMATIC when I SAY the CAPITALIZED words. I am not yelling, just being dramatic.

My life has taken a turn. Henry has learned to crawl and he gets faster every day. It's so much fun but like with all other developmental wins with a baby it's exhausting for parents. Takes a while to get into the groove and then he'll be walking and we'll get used to that and so on and so on. I'm not complaining.

On top of that Hank the Tank has a tummy virus which means lots of diaper changes and wrestling matches when we change the diaper.

And in closing here is a link of my baby crawling...awww. :) Tank crawl.

Drogging

Drogging (drunk blogging) makes for a stupid blog, like my last entry. Yeah, I thought I was being all profound and shit.

:)

Lots going on right now.

I have a crawling baby boy. A happy baby boy and a very handsome baby boy. Who knew that little boys were so much fun? Every day I love him so much more. He has two little bottom teeth poking out when he smiles, which is all the time. Seriously, I have a very happy baby with a good sense of humor.

We got back from St. Louis a week ago and I haven't even got to think about the trip. But I do like Saint Louis (always have) and I love my family there. The architecture is to die for, if you're into that and apparently in my family I am the only one who is. I love all the little ginger bread houses and just the thought that a modern family lives in a home that someone lived in in the 18oo's. IT.AMAZES.ME. The doors are short, the ceilings are short, stairs are steep....so different. Seriously, I love it.

Here are a couple of pictures to share of Henry and his cousin while in STL:






P.S. I have to brag: I would like to announce that I am NOW 60lbs down from when I was pregnant. I gained 20lbs when I was pregnant so that makes it 40lbs of "real" weight I've lost AND I'm back to my same jeans size and weight I was from 6 years ago when I moved to Raleigh. I am proud of myself for once.

Hippyidy dip talk

Why can't we just be free to do the things we want to do, whether self destrictive or not, just to feel good, happy and numb.

Some vices are worse than others and some we just don't talk about at all, but they are there. In your classroom, neighborhood, living room.

Foods, drugs, alcohol, self gratification should be allowed. In moderation.

7 Months - what it looks like

What it is and how it goes in another post. Look how much he looks like his Daddy!

See ya in Saint Louie!

We're headed to Saint Louis tomorrow! I'm very excited. It's long overdue. Last time we planned a STL trip I had a bad time with Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo and we had to call it off. Two years and three babies later (2 nephews and Henry!) here we come!

I have been wanting to write a blog about traveling with an infant for a long time. I just need to do it. I keep putting it off. Henry has been on 3 trips to OK, 6 if you count going and coming back, and I've learned a few things. This will be our fourth trip and most likely the most stressful as he's real squiggly right now. I'll have Alan with me though and this will help calm my nerves. Nothing stresses that man out, I'm telling ya'.

Today I'm doing the whole housewife thing, cleaning, laundry, etc. We'll go out later to pick up our traveling supplies (thank God for disposable formula bottles).

Oh, and on that note I also want to write a blog about my experiences with breastfeeding. I'm a little afraid to write it because I had such a hard time with my decision to stop so early and I want to be very respectful and supportive to all my pro-breastfeeding irl and bloggy friends. It just didn't work for us and 6 weeks was all I lasted. It was honestly the best (and the hardest) decision I ever made for Henry and I. Watch for that in the near future.

In My Room

I always wonder why it is that being alone in my bedroom is something I crave.

After a long day, if I have survived and everyone is fed and has all limbs attached

Well, my aching body...it just NEEDS to be alone. Blissfully alone, freedom.

No smiles.
No frowns.
No cries.

And now, no spit up or poop.

I don't ask for a lot. I realize that NOW I am not my own. I have to share myself with my family. People NEED things from me; company, laundry, love, hugs, laughs, tickles, but mainly, most importantly, love.

I give, give, give...

and enjoy.

But sometimes I just need 15 minutes of uninterrupted time without having to scrub cat barf off the floor, fold laundry, start the dishwasher, fix the toilet, etc. (The former mentioned was my previous attempt at "alone" time).

Now I have a hubby who is hands on with our son on all days but especially hands on for Monday nights which are MY nights. Where I lock myself in my room with a snack and watch Intervention while catching up on blogs and maybe even writing.

And for an hour or two I am MYself, all by MYself, and I am content in my solitude.