Friday, December 25, 2009
We're in Tulsa spending the holiday with my family. The flights to Tulsa last weekend were a little hectic. We got delayed in Raleigh and didn't end up taking off until 5pm when we were supposed to leave at 3. It was so much easier flying this time with Alan. Going through security yourself with a baby and a stroller is kind of hard by yourself because you have to dismantle the stroller, take off your shoes and do the whole bag thing all while holding a baby. Alan and I were able to work as a team to do it this time and didn't take nearly as long. Henry was an excellent travler again except he didn't get the memo that you just don't poop on an airplane. As soon as we took off from Raleigh my sweet little boy produced some of the loudest, most rude noises and some pretty evil smells. Alan and I argued back and forth about who was going to change him and I was the lucky one. It was seriously one of the most stressful things I've had to do...I'm still not really sure why. That tiny little bathroom with a screaming kid trying to change a very large loaded diaper without getting it all over me...oh man. I was nearly in tears when I got back to my seat. (I know, over dramatic, still not sure why it stressed me out so much, probably because he was screaming bloody murder and I could tell he was frightened).
You probably already know, but if you didn't, Tulsa had a "REAL" blizzard last night. First blizzard warning ever issued in Tulsa. Oh my God it was so wild. I have never seen such weather. It started off rain and then turned to sleet which promptly turned to snow. The wind was howling so hard it shook the house. This violent wind was blowing so hard that it took my step-fathers big grill that was pushed up against the back of the porch and moved it all the way to the edge of the porch. And it's a big grill.
I am just so happy to be inside a nice warm house with my family. A lot of people in this area are stranded at home and not able to visit family because of the roads.
Henry's done really well this trip. The first couple of days you could tell he was a little confused by our surroundings but now seems to be getting comfortable again. He got back on his normal sleeping eating schedule today. Currently he's consistantly sleeping from 10pm to 8am or so. It's amazing really. He's 14lbs and 23 inches and already wearing 6-9 month clothes at 12 weeks old. He's a big boy! I'm going to post some pictures and maybe some videos if I can figure out how to post them. He's figured out he has control of his hands and is grasping items. He laughs and smiles lots when you talk pretty to him. Every day he's more and more aware...almost like he's woken up from a long slumber and is figuring things out. Very cool.
I hope everyone's holiday is wonderful.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
So she stayed in her pajamas all day, watched "Chisum" and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" with her husband.
A temporary lack in sanity caused her to make the poor choice of picking up smoking again and off she goes to Target to pick up nicotine patches to quit (again). Almost went a whole year this time.
Just a little break down. Things will improve and she'll work on her attitude and perceptions. The future is bright.
She's not going to beat herself up over it. Everyone makes mistakes and they say what's most important is how one picks up the pieces and moves on.
And she will. Move on that is.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
As I sit here plotting out my game plan for going to the eye dr. in the middle of nap time I am pondering this thought with the humblest of heart:
HOW DO I DO THIS EVERYDAY?
How do I keep the house clean, dishes done, floor clean, bathrooms clean, kitchen mopped, countertops wiped, bottles made, dinner made, beds made, grocery shopping and household goods shopping.
That's just running the house.
Then there's my baby boy: feed him, bathe him, entertain him, burp him, put him to sleep, love on him, educate him, help him thrive, repeat.
Then there is me: take a shower, wash my hair, maybe put on a little makeup, GET DRESSED, get sleep, EAT, drink water, etc.
So like I said, I'm really not bragging at all. Or even feeling sorry for myself AT ALL. I'm just-a-thinkin'. Women and men have been doing these very same things I'm doing for millions of years with so much less. So much less and so many less conveniences, blah-fuckity-blah.
I just don't know how I do it, how ANYONE does it, day after day, and yet I am. Surviving, thriving, excelling, doing more and more every day. It's tough work. Being a Mom that is. It doesn't matter if you're a stay at home Mom/Dad, working Mom/Dad....I mean MAN, it's just fucking amazing!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
He's LOVING the play pad because he's just starting to reach out and grab for things. Here, you can see for yourself!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Here are the Rules:
1. Must thank the person who gave you the award and list their blog and link it.
2. Share "10 Honest things" about yourself.
3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.
So, I gotta Scrapper award! In a round about way Jax at The Roaring Twenties
1.) I have a bad habit for the past year. I sleep with the TV on all the live long night. It started as an "oops" and now is a comfort thing. I turn the volume down really low and sleep with a white noise maker on and it's like a cacophony in there. Noise soothes me though. I can't stand silence. But really the TV has been on "for light" since Henry's been here. Since he's been sleeping through the night there's no more excuses. So we're going to ween off of that.
2.) I have a taste for seasonal fruit. I only buy fruit in season for a couple of reasons, 1.) it's cheaper and 2.) it's at it's peak! Nature intends for us to enjoy these treats at these times. Not so much on the veggies, but Alicia and I are working on it. :)
3.) Flying with a newborn was the most terrifying thing in my mind. When I flew with Henry at 6 weeks I thought I was crazy. But it went great! People were so very nice and helpful. Henry didn't cause any problems and like Kat said the worst part was getting through security.
4.) I like to eat in bed. It's an indulgence and I love it. Sometimes I'll have a glass of wine, too. My bed is my sanctuary, my all time favorite place to be, so why wouldn't I have a snack or libation in their sometimes? No apologies.
5.) You don't have to be of any sort of religious following to appreciate the work of God all around you. In my opinion, the God I know gave me the most beautiful personal gift of all time; my intuition. And if you're lucky enough to be a woman, too, you have this gift. Just listen to yourself. Women are such incredibly smart and multifaceted individuals and we don't give each other enough credit.
6.) That being said I hate the saying "Things happen for a reason" because I think it's a horrible thing to say! "Hey Jimmy, your dad just died in an auto accident but things happen for a reason. Let me give you a hug". No. I'm sorry, sometimes there is no reason or why. It's beyond you and any comprehension anyone can have. Sometimes I feel like it's not mine or ours to decipher.I had a friend appear into my life out of no where and it was my intuition that told me to contact her. And guess what? We BOTH needed each other. All on a whimsy of mine to ask advice from this person. Now I have a close friend of which we shared a difficult time in life for a few moments.
7.) So that was getting deep. Every time Henry poops I make a big production sort of like this "OHHH MY GAWD, What is this?!?!? Alan! Alan! ALAN!!!! Oh it stinks it stinks it sticks. Oh God he's going to get it on his socks. WHAT?!? Is he still going?!?! Oh gross!!!" and on and on I go. Alan just laughs and laughs at me but really am not at my best with those doo-doo-diapers.
8.) I still miss smoking. I started smoking when I was 17 and quit last year on New Years Day. It took nicotine patches to help me quit and it was a sloooowww ween. I'll be a year cigarette free on 1/1/10
9.) I'm a sucker for those "As Seen on TV" products.. I nearly want all of them. I do have a Bump-It, lol
10.) I'm the worst with sending out Christmas/birthday/anniversary/thank you cards. But I'm working on it.
I nominate Diva at Emotional Diva because well, she's just awesome and reinforced the awesomeness in me.
Joy at Joyfully Gray because I love her writing and prose. Plus I can't wait to see what colors she paints her new house.
Miche at Coordinated Chaos because I love her so much and she's incredible. Just incredible.
Blaze - because I just love her!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
One thing my mother told me about writing is "Be prepared to piss people off. And that's okay. You just may want to give them fair warning or such.
But I'm like chasing this pipe dream of writing a book to get rich. That's right, I don't want to make a difference in the word by this work, I just want money. I feel a calling. Not like a Jesus or God calling..but a calling none the less.
This week I'm having one of those days where everyday I am a day ahead. Example: Today is Thursday. I think it's Friday. It's a sign of slowly going insane....days are long, idle hands, scary things.
I'm wearing my lingerie around the house (after Henry went to bed) because my husband isn't ever home and I want to wear it so g-damn it I will. What a waste...to have a beautiful wife at home dressed all pretty and ain't nothing to do about it. But I do feel pretty, so I guess it's something. I hope that wasn't TMI.
Just feel kind of sad, and torn. Success is a wonderful thing but at what price? Is it worth the price of not seeing your infant son go to bed every night? Apparently so in this family.
I will adapt.
What do YOU think?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Thanks to bloggy friends who've suggested sites to grab format codes from!
So, the good news is that since my Facebook strike on Monday I've found other ways to completely waste my time.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Hey person in the MIDDLE OF THE AISLE at Walmart. The world is not your fucking oyster. MOVE.
Guess what? Sometimes in parking lots to help traffic flow they create something called a ONE WAY STREET. This means that you can
only go down it ONE WAY. That doesn't mean that just because you see a parking space that's 1/4 of the way closer to the store do
you get to drive down it THE WRONG WAY to get it. That's right. You have a 50/50 chance of doing this one thing correct and you
couldn't do it. And I saw you and I'm sure I swore at you. FUCKTARD.
God. Christmas time brings out the worse in me. I don't know if it's because it brings out the mole people to go shopping and
they don't know how to act in stores and parking lots or what. But I'm truly an angry person in public these days. Of course
you'd never know it because I internalize it all.
Today at Kohls Henry had his first ancient person encounter. This sweet lil old lady was at least 80 if she was a day and she kept saying, "oohhhh, look at him! That's a MAN! He doesn't look like a baby girl at all. You know how some babies look like they could be a boy or girl? Oh no, not him. He's so sweet! An angel. Look at those little eyebrows coming in...." And on and on she went. Which was really flattering until it looked like she was going to touch him and then I went all Mama Bear and snatched my stroller out of her ancient claws ways. Nothing personal, it's just flu season ya know? So she was really sweet and we talked for a good 10 minutes. She was making such a fuss about Henry that other patrons came over to glance at him which made me a little
nervous. I mean I had the senior citizens club of Cary huddled around my baby and I it was getting a little warm in there.
Speaking of that. I am hot. All the time. The high here today was 49 and that's really cold to people round here. Everyone has coats and mittens on and I'm walking around in a long sleeved tee shirt. Sweating. Why am I sweating? Because carrying Henry around in his baby bucket (car seat carrier) is heavy! Plus my diaper bag has a good 15lbs of baby gear in it. When I get home
from wherever we go for the day I usually take off my shirt, stand in front of a fan and cool off in my under cami for a while. Even if the high only is 49 for the day. I wasn't this bad before I was pregnant either. Maybe my hormones are settling...
I'm moody. Angry. Touchy. I have "issues". Wanting to feel level again and hoping to even out soon. My poor, poor husband. I never take it out on Henry though, he always makes me happy. I find myself singing made up songs to him and he smiles so big. It just brings me back to earth.
I think this looks like a lot of fun but the feminist in me wants to deny it. What do you think?
Monday, December 7, 2009
I'd like to be labeled as one.
I'm not really going to delete any accounts, because that's silly, but I am going to try to stop frequenting them so, well, frequently these days. I'm burnt out and who fucking cares if I cleaned the house from top to bottom in 2 hours while my child was asleep and that I'm not on crack?
Status updates, while entertaining, are mostly benign.
More importantly, social media sites provide me a connection to friends in real life and on the internet and FAMILY. I'm starting to feel a disconnect from the real world and internet world. And that has to be unhealthy.
I'm going to keep writing and blogging but for a week I am avoiding facebook and twitter to give my brain a break and to get better focus on other things.
Then after a week I'm going to ease myself back into it with time restrictions.
I have a few writing aspirations that I'd like to focus on so I can become rich and famous. Or just rich. Let me tell you, this housecleaning business is for the birds and I'd love to be able to afford a talented, organized professional to handle it for me.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I had a baby shower to attend this weekend. My friend Jenn is due in January with a little boy. The shower was great! It was so awesome to meet all her other friends and her parents. Plus she totally got spoiled with some super gifts.
My sister in law, Angela, is due this month on the 18th! I cannot WAIT to meet her little boy, D! I'm afraid she'll have them while we're in Tulsa though. If so, we'll have to make due with photos.
Speaking of Tulsa, I'll be there from December 20-January 9th. I am so excited about Christmas with my family I cannot even tell you! Henry's going to get so spoiled by all his Aunts and Cousins and of course his Nana-Jana.
So I really can't think of too many clever things to say so here are a few pics of Sir Henry.
Hope everyone had a great weekend!!
Friday, December 4, 2009
It was all sparked by buying a new diaper bag. When I was pregnant I felt like (for whatever reason)I had to become practical and practical to me in a way, meant losing part of my style, sarcasm, beauty and self worth. In other words I had to become perfect, or what I perceived was perfect and just how I should act.
Ah yes, back to the diaper bag. I had this great simple black diaper bag which I really wanted and loved and was gifted with it.
But it was black. I also love handbags and dainty, but trendy, loud patterns. The black diaper bag wasn't me.
And I carried this bag around for 7 weeks pretending to be Donna Reed and then it was just like I woke up when I saw this HUGE Kathy Van Veeland zebra striped purse with pink satin lining. It just screamed at me that it was to be mine. It wasn't exactly practical or conservative, but then again I was just pretending to be that way.
Now I feel like myself again. I also feel something called ambition which I've had so little of the past 3 years. So last night in my insomnia haze I started filling out a FAFSA application. It's my goal to start college in Fall of 2010. Even if it's just a class a semester to start out. But I'm going to do it and I'm going to live up to my potential and feel good and feel proud about myself once again.
The best part is I have a husband, family and friends who'll support me and be positive influences in my life. It's your job to encourage me to do this, otherwise I fall back into the self loathing cycle I've repeated over and over my whole life.
So help me, friends, and encourage me and keep me engaged in this ambition of mine so that it's not short lived.
P.S. In no ways do I feel that being a Mother, stay at home wife, stay at home mother or martian from another world are less important or self satisfying that any other life style choice. At all, no way. This is the hardest work I've ever done! It's all about finding your personal niche. For me I think my niche may be being a Mother, Wife, Friend, Daughter, Woman and have a career, also.
I'm sleep deprived which is TOTALLY IRONIC BECAUSE MY 8 WEEK OLD INFANT SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT. Yes, yes, ya'll. So I've spent the past 6 weeks sleeping in 3-4 hour blocks and becoming mega zombie due to sleep deprivation...
Then, miracle of all miracles I luck out and have a magical 6 week old baby boy who sleeps 7 hours straight (if you're not a parent, this may not seem like a big fucking deal. But it is. BELIEVE THAT).
I love him so, my now 8 week old baby boy, by the way.
And then I get insomnia and can't sleep and I'm so tired and I'm very hormonal, mood shifty, and my house is a disaster and my eyes itch and DID I MENTION I CANNOT SLEEP?
So yes, I shall concentrate all my efforts on taking deep breaths, in and out, in and out, and not taking out my shitty attitude on others. That's the plan.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
when I gaze upon your cherub shining cheeks
and I don't know what to do
because your beauty has struck me
I wonder why
and look in your eyes
just why you love me too
a reminder of what a life is
what an awesome, awesome experience we have
flashes into mind
and I reflect of all I want for you, for me
Just for a while
it's all so real and giant and beyond
spun into gold, your little heart
whose mine you hold
PS - I really suck at poetry but this came from my heart.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I'm spoiled. Not in a Princess Peach pampered in the tower sort of way but I have what I want. I've worked hard for it all in my own little ways and most the time I'm happy.
I'd like to think I'm a good person and the things I don't like about myself I am trying to improve. I've heard it's a never ending process.
Things are falling into place. I have my routines and daily goals and I meet them, not easily, every day. I'm not as hard on myself these days and not nearly as weepy.
The key to my happiness is being around those I love even when I don't feel like I deserve their love or attention. When it's easier to walk away and hide. I fight that urge so hard. Every day I struggle not to retreat further into myself. Not to ignore and abuse myself. Trying to acknowledge any problems and emotional issues and work through them instead of putting on my "I'm fine, I'm happy, lalala" face. Most people who know me well don't even know I have this dark side. I'm talking about chronic depression and anxiety, something I've had and been treated for, off and on, for over 15 years. 12 years it has took for me to realize, despite dr's telling me otherwise, this this is NOT going away and like a physical malady, I will need to be treated, most likely for the rest of my life. It's hard to accept. It's hard to try so many different treatments to have them work for a while then stop. But I'm humbles to think that this is just a small cross I bear in life. It could be so much worse. It HAS been so much worse than the place I am in right now.
It sounds so corny and so cliche but I need to say it. My son has given me the biggest reason to improve and be a good person and Mom. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and gives me a reason to live and a purpose. I know, I know, I've had reasons and purposes to live before but I had been blind towards those.
I've chosen to be open about this condition time and time again because I don't have anything to hide. It helps me to be open and explain and talk about this. If it makes you uncomfortable to read this about me when you know me in real life then kindly censor what you read. Time and time again I'll always know that my writing is my therapy. Somewhere I can be honest where I know I don't have to be worried about pleasing another or disappointing someone which is one of my major issues.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
and think people care
webs and wanes and all but disappears
until a moment, many weeks earlier, the storyteller in my mind arises again.
The journals start. The notes on scrap pieces of paper and old receipts. Names of characters I already know but need to layer and personalize.
The places I've been, have not been too far away
But I do have a huge imagination, been known to exaggerate and have been told I'm funny.
So now all I need is my muse, my passion, my reason....
And then I think I can start this book I've yearned to write for years and years and years.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Last week I took you on your first of many trips to Tulsa. You were 7 weeks old. I was so nervous to fly with you! Mainly scared you would be in pain on the flights due to the air pressure and I wouldn't be able to comfort you. Instead you blessed me with a long nap from Raleigh to Denver. I got to see the Rocky Mountains for the first time ever and they weren't anything in comparison to you.
We rolled around in Denver airport and strangers stopped me to ask how old you were, how did you do on the flight and to tell me how cute you were. You always have your own little fan club wherever we go.
We finally got to Tulsa and your Nana and Grampers picked us up. Again, you were still a trooper, letting us transport you from stroller to car seat and back in the car. We had to stop and get Taco Bueno on the way home for Mommy, of course.
Nana and Aunt Nutmeg fed you a bottle and then we went ahead and put you to bed. You went right to sleep, only waking once in the night for a feeding and then fell right back asleep.
On your travels you got to meet The Amazing Davis, Cousin Lisser, Cousin Dave and the Mini Aunt. We spent a whole day playing with you and comforting you as you had quite a tummy ache.
You also got to meet, Pop and Mrs. Pop and your other step-brothers and sisters on my Dad's side. They loved you!
Tammy and her husband got to see you as well. Tammy getting in some good practice for when her and Shawn start a family one day..
While we were in Tulsa you had your own little bedroom at Nana's. You slept all by yourself in a pack and play. You slept the whole night through for the first time at Nana and Grampers, sleeping from 9pm to 6:30 am. This was repeated a couple of nights then we started waking up again around 4am for a feeding. No big deal. You always go right back to sleep.
Nana spoiled you lots and gave me a break by waking up a few times for the 4am feeding when I didn't hear your cries (note to self, bring baby monitor next time!).
Everyone comments on how alert you are and “what a good baby” you are. It's true. You're a very good natured child. And you're huge. 13 lbs now. Doubled your birth rate already!
You're very loved. Here, there, everywhere.
My little boy you'll always be!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I didn't make a big deal out of it or even tell a lot of people for a couple of reasons: 1.) Per the pediatrician, the less people I expose Hank to the less chance he has of getting a flu so he suggested limiting the amount of visits to family. Common advice that makes sense to me, so that's what we're doing. And I hate that I'm disapointing some people but I know it'll be okay and they'll just have to understand. Not that anyone has given me a hard time at all, everyone is supportive. 2.) I really wanted to just be around the house and decompress. I'm really struggling with anxiety and depression right now and want to take advantage to being in an environment where I can relax and not worry about the dishes, the laundry, the 8 tons of leaves in the front yard, etc. So - I am.
Part of the reason I came here was that Alan was (and is) gone to Germany for a week. At first I thought I could handle being alone for a week with Sir Henry but as the weeks went by and he was working later and later I felt less capable and began to feel very overwhelmed taking care of an infant 24/7 with no company. It's very lonely and anyone knows that it's HARD.
So, I'm very lucky that I had the chance to come out here. A lot of parents don't get the help they need and ohhh lord did I need some help. For the first time in my life I'm not afraid to ask for it, either. You know why? Because it's not all about me anymore. I have another human being depending on me and I love and care for him more than anything else in this world and I need to be there for him.
Sir Henry was an expert traveler! He did wonderful. We had to fly from Raleigh to Denver and I was sweatin' because that's a four hour flight. He only fussed a couple of times and was easily pacified by his pacifier or a feeding. We also had a 3 hour layover in Denver and we did fine. I walked miles around the airport keeping him entertained and happy. People were so nice and helpful and Kat was right. Getting through security was the hardest part and even that was not so bad. We're coming back for Christmas so this was a good practice run.
Let me tell you - Denver's airport SUCKS. I am a Die.t Co.Ke fiend right now and they only carry Pepsi products. I was jonesing for a Die.t Co.Ke in the worst way...and had to settle for a Diet Pe.psi. Not the same. At all. Boo-hoo
Sir Henry and I are enjoying being spoiled. When his Nana (grandma) gets home from work she likes to take over and I totally let her. I'm really easy going with him. You want to hold/feed/bath/cuddle him, go right ahead! Spread the love.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
On Monday, September 28th, 2009 I was asked to come to the hospital to begin a medicine called Cervidil to ripen my cervix for labor. I was ten days past my due date. After waiting anxiously all day we were finally told we could come to the hospital. It was 9:00 pm, 100% humidity and raining. I started off driving us but had to stop to go to the bathroom halfway on the way to the hospital. On top of being pregnant I pee when I am nervous. Alan drove the rest of the way to the hospital because I was too nervous driving in the dark and rain with my glasses on.
When we got to the hospital we were taken to our labor and delivery room and I was instructed to give a urine sample and then change into a hospital gown. Easy enough. Then the fun started. IV placement! I do pretty well with needles and pain so I wasn't nervous. The nurse was pretty good and the IV was in my arm within 10 minutes. They hooked me up whatever it is they use to hydrate you. Doctor 'A' came in and put the Cervidil in place and told me we'd start on Pitocin tomorrow morning around 9 am and to get a good night of sleep. The nurse asked me if I wanted something to help me sleep and I said yes and an Ambien was given to me.
We finished watching the Panther/Dallas game and then fell asleep. They brought a cot in for Alan to sleep in. The room was FREEZING!! Neither one of us slept well but then again, neither one of us expected to.
Let me just say right now that my labor and delivery room was a miserable, dimly lit, closet of a room and I hated it. It felt sick and wrong and the bed sucked.
The next morning around 9am they hooked me up to the contraction inducing drug, Pitocin. The nurse said they'd be in every half hour or so to increase the amount flowing into my IV. She also said that most women are in active labor 4 hours into the treatment. Alan was so excited and even clapped his hands saying, “Alright! Let's get this show on the road!” I was very excited at this point as well, not knowing what I was in for..
Around noon I started feeling little contractions. No big deal.
By 2pm the contractions were a bit more intense and long. That was about the time my Mom and Brother in Law arrived with lunch, tormenting me with their Cook Out smelling clothes and hair. They were kind enough to eat downstairs because at this point in my hungry state I probably would have jumped out of my bed, IV's and all and mauled them for a corn dog. I was starving, having not eaten since 6pm the previous day.
Labor is kind of boring and SLOW. I have never watched the clock more in my life. In fact I think it's fair to say that September 29th 2009 was one of the longest days I have ever experienced.
3pm – they came in and broke my water. Dilated to a '3'.
By 4pm I was in definite intense pain and I had asked for my first dose of pain relieving drugs, something to take the edge off. They gave me Stadol. I then had slurred conversations with my Mom and B.I.L. Stoned watching Tom and Jerry on the TV.
At some point I get an epidural. I cannot even remember the time or sequence of events because like I said, time stood still that day while in labor. I do remember it not being that bad just that it was a serious event that required a lot of concentration on not moving or jumping and that it took a lot longer to do than I thought it would. Like 20 minutes from start to finish. I guess I thought it would be like getting a shot.
All is not well. Because of the stress of being in labor and not progressing correctly my blood pressure sky rocketed. I wasn't dilating. Henry was starting to show signs of stress with his heart beat. Still only dilated to a 3. My pelvis is small. Everyone thinks that an ample hipped woman will just have babies fall out of her. Not so. It's all about the pelvis, apparently. Doctor talks to me about the possibility of a C-section. He gives me a while to process...
Nurses keep coming in my room to help me roll side to side. They check my blood pressure like 80 thousand times. I am getting majorly annoyed and tired of this whole event. I'm done. I'm out. I'm officially shutting down emotionally.
I tell Alan I don't want to do this anymore and that I can't. I can't have a C-section, it isn't what I wanted, I'm scared shitless and I don't want to do it. I beg him to take me home. When that doesn't work I kick him out of the room and cry to my Momma about it.
Yes, I know I'm a baby...and I was very, very scared at the prospect of being cut up. Remember, I'm a control freak and the thought of having a cesarean had never ever crossed my mind my entire pregnancy. I was not prepared for this! Do-over!!
I cried hysterically for quite a while, apologizing to nurses and the doctor over and over again as they entered my room one after the other.
They started getting me ready for surgery. The anesthesiologist comes in to give me the scoop on the meds they'll be giving me and asks me about any allergies or reactions I've had to medicines. I remember her telling me that when they numb me I'll feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest and that I'll be breathing fine, it will just be a sensation. Great. So now on top of being freaked out about being cut open I'm now freaked out about not being able to breathe.
I cry some more. I'm exhausted and very volatile. This whole event is going wrong in my mind and I'm having to accept an ending that I didn't already anticipate. I'm learning a hard lesson in life at a vulnerable moment.
I kiss my Mom goodbye and Alan goodbye and they roll me off to the operating room. I close my eyes and don't open them until an hour later when they're telling me to open them up and look at my little boy. I was scared to look or see anything.
When I got to the operating room it was a scramble of people, all women, except for my doctor. Everyone was hustling and bustling, things were being put on me, strapped on me, pumped into my IV, people talking to me....it was confusing.
I am just trying to concentrate on breathing. I'm laying flat on my back and my nose holes have completely shut. As in swollen shut. Nice. I remember feeling sorry for the nurses or whoever standing by because I'm sure my breath smells horrible and I'm breathing heavy on all of them. I apologize and they laugh.
They start putting more medicine in my IV and doing “can you feel this?” checks on my abdomen. When I get all nice and numb they start cutting. I can feel pressure and my eyes squint further shut as if I can block it all out, the noises, the chaos, by closing my eyes. My idiot of a doctor is humming along cheerfully to the music on the radio which is irritating me very much but at least I have something else to concentrate on.
I'm jerked awake by pain and I am panicking. “I can feel that!”, a burning deep inside towards my back. It's nothing severe but it freaks me out because I don't know what they're doing and if I should expect more pain. They tell me a little pain is normal but if it gets to be too much to let them know again.
I feel enormous pressure and yanking and then a high, shrill cry. I think I say, “that's my baby?!? I can hear him!” and I still have not opened my eyes. I know they're taking him over to suction his mouth and do all his vitals. They're telling me he's healthy and his cry tells me that, too. Good Lord it's high and clear!
Queen's “Best Friend” is playing on the radio. I remember thinking what a nice song to remember the birth of my son by.
Then I hear my husband tell me to open my eyes and I do. There he is! He looks nothing like I thought he would. He looks like my brother and he's tiny! All through my pregnancy and labor they've told me to expect a big baby. He's 6Lbs, 13 ozs and 21 inches. He's perfect though and handsome. It's all surreal. I have no idea the magnitude of what has happened, that I just brought another human being into the world....I just can't think about it.
They're still working on me and Alan has to go...they need to bathe Henry and do the rest of the routine. I'm starting to relax knowing that it's almost all over.
When they leave they put something in my IV to make me “more comfortable”. I'm told it's a morphine derivative and suddenly I feel very warm, fuzzy and content.
They wheel me off to recovery where I'm in for tons of poking, prodding, more medicine, questions and a blur of compassionate nurses.
4 days later and lots of yummy hospital food later (seriously, it was yummy, not being sarcastic at all) we go home. And thus, the adventures of Sir Henry begin.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Today you are 6 weeks old.
6 freakin' weeks! I can't believe it. You're so precious to me and even on our rough days you bring such a joy and pride to my heart sometimes I swear it will burst.
You have several new cries. We've identified your other cries: the demanding feed me now or I will blow your ear drums out cry, the I have a gas bubble and need to toot/burp hybrid whine cry, the I'm tired and I can't figure out how to calm down to sleep cry and the I have a ditty-diapah please clean me up NOW cry. You really do have your own language!
We discovered the lost art of swaddling which works wonders on you. Thank you “The Happiest Baby on the Block”.
Your Daddy insists that I call your night gowns sleep shirts because boys don't wear gowns. Whatever. He doesn't know I change your outfit multiple times a day and sometimes even put styling gel in your hair. I do what I want. I'm a boss.
I am in love with your little face. You have such delicate features, everyone says you look like a little man already. You poor little thing, you have my thin lips, which are ADORABLE on you. Also, don't worry about it because seriously, after I had braces, they popped out and I had lips.
Also, on that note, I very much hope you do not inherit my vain gene and that you are humble and relaxed like your father. I will admit that you were outfit coordinated with your car seat today as we went to Target and Kroger. You also do very well in a shopping cart and usually sleep through our shopping outings (a possible sign you will be like Alan and hate shopping? Hmm?).
Your personality blooms every day. We play a game called “Kiss the Baby!” where I say “kiss the baby!” in a silly voice then kiss your face all over. It really gets you excited, smiling and cooing. You still love to chill out in on your changing table and boppy. That's where IT'S.AT.
We love you so much and are proud of your little milestones like last night when you slept 7 hours straight, when you discovered your hands and suck on your fingers and when you take interest in a toy.
I'm so glad you are here and the unique and sometimes challenging ways you have changed our life. It's a welcome change.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I really hate the movies Braveheart, Gladiator, Dances With Wolves and Titanic. Why? Because they are played so much on TV and for some reason my husband always has to watch them even though we've seen them a million times. I hate re-watching movies.
I've kind of been stuck in the house since Wednesday. Technically I could go anywhere I want but there's not much you can do with a 5 week old when you're completely neurotic about the flu(s). Kroger and Target have been the only two places I've ventured out to and every time I hear someone cough I look around to see who it was and if they look sick. Isn't that horrible?!?
Sir Henry grew out of his first newborn sized outfit this week much to my surprise. It was kind of a sad moment for me! He's also discovered his hands and has spent the last couple of days sucking on his hand and fingers. It's really fascinating to see him realize that the hand he's chewing on is his. He also has a new, high pitched cry and whimper thing he does an it totally breaks my heart when I hear it. The cry means he needs to burp or toot and he's letting me know I need to pick him up and pat his back. Seriously! Amazing.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
This is what a Mother of a 5 week old looks like with an impacted wisdom tooth, an insanely amount of pending dental work and is fighting off a cold or sinus infection and seriously (TMI alert) over productive breasts. I'm not trying to get sympathy, just wanting to remember this day so that when I have another hard time I can look back on these few days and remind myself that it's not that bad.
Oh yes yes yes, I know it could be so much worse, blah blah blah. Standard disclaimer I feel like I should issue because I'm constantly seeking others approval and hope not to offend or irritate anyone.
But this is what I get to love on and snuggle with all day, every day. And it's so worth it.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
It was Adam's birthday party and we were all celebrating at his posh apartment in Cary. I debuted a new Bettie Page look that night that I'm temped to go back to as it was sultry and sexy. But it does require a lot of dye and I'm just now back to my normal color after years of messing around.
Anyway, we were hanging out, drinking, playing quarters, asshole, getting drunk. And it was awesome. Miss those days.
Monday, November 2, 2009
My neighbors are so predictable with their anal lawn maintenance. I have no idea why I am so obsessed with them and their obsessiveness with their lawn and why it irritates, fascinates and borderline angers me. Perhaps it's my own inadequacy in the frequency of our OWN lawn maintenance which is seriously lacking any sort of motivation or desire to um...maintain.
But I digress.
I am serious when I tell you that on Halloween they taped off their lawn with yellow, almost crime scene, tape and placed notes on it that said “do not walk on grass”. Redic! I hope they got egged. My jaw dropped when I saw it. I thought a crime had been committed. I would have taken a picture and posted but I'm afraid of getting in trouble...like what if I accidentally published their address?
Sure as Sunday (or Wednesday) every Monday night they are out there raking and blowing leaves out of their treeless lawn. It really makes me want to blow all the leaves from our 5 oak tree leave littered lawn into theirs just to drive them nuts.
I also should note that our neighborhood has mainly houses built in the early 70' to late 80's and there is no HOA. It's not a fancy schmancy neighborhood by any means, not shabby or crime ridden either. It' not like Martha-fucking-Stewart lives next door.
I know I'm a total bitch for harboring such evil thoughts of these neighbors, I'm honestly not really sure what's wrong with me. Like I said, it must be a sincere feeling of inadequacy or deep rooted envy of their lawn for me to care so much.
Also, as I mentioned we have 5 oak trees in our front yard. The trees appear to have over 70% of their leaves left to fall and already our huge lawn is covered in inches of leaves. Alan and I will never, ever, ever make that mistake again. I think God was giggling at me the day we looked at the house 2 years ago and I said like a tree loving hippy, “Ohhhh, look at the BEEE-uuuu-tiful TREES! Oh my God I love them. Five! Five trees! So pretty” and I'm sure I had romantic notions of siting out there underneath the trees, picnicking.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Things I love now that I am older:
Baskets: Give me a basket to put in my house and I will find some sort of shit to put in that wicker beauty.
Red Wine: Un-doing the hard work of my bi-yearly Cre.st Whitestrips.
Cleaning products: Ahhh, the smell of Cl.orox bleach. Reminds me of swim team and clean houses.
Quiet bars: Not that I'm frequenting them lately, but I love being able to converse with my friends in an indoor voice rather than yelling at them over horrible pop music avoiding boys that wear too much hair gel and wear too tight shirts.
Was awesome. Henry had a little bear costume he wore but it was too hot so he wore his skull and crossbones onesie all night. Yes, it was hot. Like 90% humidity and 78 and soooo muggy.
We went to a PART-AY – with real adults in fun costumes and I had a few glasses of wine and it was wickedly delicious. Alan's awesome, he didn't drink at all so I could let loose. He knows how important Halloween is to me.
Pictures posted later.
My dear sweet son is losing his spiky hair that I put in a baby mohawk every day. It's chick-fluffiness is getting sparser and sparser. Ah, well. I've heard it grows back and I always have liked bald men....
Friday, October 30, 2009
Alan and I got some *us time in this morning. I woke up with the baby at 4am and he got up at 5am so we had some time to talk and enjoy each others company before he had to get ready for work. Nice.
I am so thankful for coffee and my Keurig coffee maker. It makes the most delicious coffee ever and was seriously worth the $100 we spent on it. Best buy of the year in this household!
I am really looking forward to this weekend. Spending time with Miche and also a Halloween party. I may have a last minute costume change but I'm not sure yet. I've had a hard time finding something for Henry to wear so it'll be interesting to see what he goes as....
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Perhaps it's the formula I am using? We supplement breastfeeding with formula, so maybe one of them is irritating him. I also noticed his nose was a little stuffy, too.
On top of that “The Fat” (my cat Ginger) is driving me batty running around grooming herself compulsively, pulling her fur out and lick, lick, licking.
I've cried a lot today.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Henry, I have to tell you something.
You are part dinosaur. Pterodactyl or something. You make these screeching, scary, bigger than a bird type noises in your sleep while tensing up your little body and throwing your arms in the air like “heeeyyyy, party people in the house!”.
You're also what I like to call an “all business baby”. You're not messing around when your hungry, need a diaper change, want to be held, are bored, etc. It's all pretty clear to me when I listen to my intuition. That's the most amazing thing, too. All I do is look at you and then listen to my heart (as corny as that sounds) and I just know what to do to comfort you. Now, that's not to say you don't keep me on my toes – you certainly do. There are definitely times I have no idea what you want and nothing satisfies, like today. Those are the days that we sometimes cry together as I rock you in my arms.
The days go by so fast. Before I know it, it's 2pm and I haven't showered, brushed my teeth, ate, etc. I've only accomplished taking care of you and a cup of coffee or two. That's enough some days, don't ya think?
When your Daddy gets home I give him 10 minutes or so and pass you off to him. He'll feed you a bottle, talk to you about his day, show you flashcards and work on tummy time on the floor. It's lovely to see him love you so much and vice versa.
Every day is still so exciting and new. We're still in shock that you're ours forever and ever and we're in awe of everything you do – even if it's just a fart.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
See, my husband and I work the getting up in the middle of the night thing like this: I have bedtime until 4am and he has 4am until 7am when he gets ready for work. Alan brings him to me in bed in a boppy with a bottle unless Henry is asleep in his crib (rare). So we nap on and off, most times getting up at 7:30-8am. The 4am-7am is the only real solid sleep I get every night. I do have faith it will improve though!
Monday, October 26, 2009
The point is I'm quickly finding out that it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's mainly the cost of the refills that get me. Almost $5.00! So we're going to be doing something different.
My other had to have frivolous item was a Moses Basket. I also got a hand me down on that as well. I totally used that Moses Basket and Sir Henry slept in our room in it for the first week of his life.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
People will tell you horror stories or even try and guilt you into doing it. In the end you have to be strong and know that the decision you make is the right one for you and baby. Even if it is formula. Others have no right to judge your decision - AT ALL. In fact, if I had to do it all over again I would have never told anyone about my breastfeeding decisions. (keep that in mind, future mommy's). It's a conversation subject as dangerous as abortion or politics and I am NOT being a drama queen.
This is my experience: I really struggle with this decision. Every day. In my mind I KNEW it was the right thing to do but I wasn't all excited about having my baby suckling from me day and night. It makes me feel like I am Moo-Moo Milk'm Cow. I'm being honest when I say this and I mean not to offend anyone, but, it just felt wrong and icky to me. It's something I've had to work through every feeding. The hospital stay was horrible. It seemed like every person who walked through that door demanded to see my tits and see my boy latch on to them. It didn't help that my baby was born C-section, had a hard time latching on and that my milk didn't come in until day 6.
I've made it three weeks now and each feeding is different. Sometimes I don't mind and other times I feel sick over it. There are days I'm ready to throw in the towel and other days when I think "Hey, this isn't so bad at all". I also have pressure from my husband to keep it up for at least 6 months. I'm not sure that's realistic for me. This Tuesday when it's a month I will celebrate a small victory and perhaps set another goal of 2 more weeks and see how it goes. One of the main incentives (besides the health factor and $$ factor)is that I'll be flying with Henry in December and I am a freak show right now about germs and H1N1. I know that me breastfeeding until at least then will give him a boost.
Ladies and Gentleman, that's where I stand.