Thursday, May 27, 2010

Got some dirt on my shoulders could you brush it off for me?

I don't know why I got this thought that life was equal and just. Or that if it wasn't equal and just that I could MAKE it equal and just, or at least enforce it in my life. I feel as if I've done a pretty good job, that was until I had children. This is not a dig on my husband, just an emphisis on how self sacraficing mothers are/become/will be.

I used to have such an active social life. I had dinners, events, parties, etc. Granted most of them involved alcohol and celebration, it was still a party, a gathering of people I knew and loved. We got together, we drank, we ate. We were merry and made joy. coversations flowed and I was challenged in mind.

I was not a drone. Not a wallflower. I was an individual person with individual ideas. I made people laugh, I laughed at other people. We conversated about current events, personal dramas, food, fashion, politics, etc. I was smart at one point.

Now I just feel like I'm sucking oxygen up in an already over populated world. A waste of space. A drone.

Don't cue the violins. I don't expect nor care if I garner any sympathy. My favorite thought of the moment is, "it is what it is".

I feel like a jerk. I'm a stay at home Mom and I should be counting my blessings that I am blessed enough to be able to stay at home and enjoy the day with my son. I do enjoy it...I'm just bored. I'm bored and jaded. I miss working. You know, the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" thing? I'm having a hard time with it. I really do think the grass is greener on the other side and I wanna lay on that.

I want to go out after work with friends and have a few drinks. I want to drive home after having one glass of wine without feeling completely guilty. I want to be Andrea.

This Mother role is hard. The hardest role I've ever played. I have to be completely self sacrificing, put others before me 24/7, be happy when I could give a shit and do fucking housework on top of it. Quite frankly, it's a crappy gig. And it never, ever, ever, ever ends.

The rewards are great and I love my son; please if you ever doubt anything about me, don't ever doubt that. I also have no doubt that I'm a good mother and a good wife.

But like I said I am bored, my brain is dead and I just want to scream to my husband, "It's NOT FAIR!!!!!".

P.S. This is an honest to God conversation in my mind. If you are offended or can't handle it, blow off.


Miche said...

You know if you ever go back to work I am starting to run a mini day care here, lol :) Henry would fit right in with the other three :)

And I can relate; I totally understand and have similar days myself, where I wish that I could go hang out after work, or not feel guilty when hubby gets home to piles of dishes and laundry :)

As the kids get bigger, it gets easier to start "being you" again :)

Caitlin said...

1. I love your post script. I laughed out loud.

2. I don't think anyone with more than two brain cells could ever doubt how much you love that cute little man.

3. Just because you're a mom, doesn't mean you have to not exist any more as a person.

4. I think it's crap to put everyone above you all the time. How are you supposed to stay sane, and be a good wife and mother if you don't put yourself first occasionally? I think as women we're conditioned to feel guilty when we say "no" or want to do something for ourselves, to hell with everyone else. Men don't seem to have that. It pisses me off.

5. I don't have kids. So my opinion is probably not relevant to your life. Whatev. Next time I'm in town, I say you, Miche and I go have wine. Or I'm always willing to babysit! :)

Anonymous said...

I totally hear you Andrea on this.I know how motherhood has shifted things in your life a little off-kilter,and yes for the good,but leaving you also a little puzzled.You were this other person earlier,it was about your life,and now its always putting someone else,some other things first before you.
I am not there yet,but all I know is I am going to feel exactly the same.And when you find out ways to come to terms with this change of balance, please pass on those pearls of wisdom to me too :)
Oh and one more thing,I think you have a lot of friends who still want to spend as much time with you and would do anytime given you are free.I would be one of them too!

Weezy said...

that was me Anwesha btw!do not know why it did not accept my name !