Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Ruts suck

This is a post about my depression that I've been working on for...hmmm, ever.

I am beginning to feel better, not as anxiety ridden. I am taking a newer antidepressant and we're (me, Alan and Dr.) hoping it helps me. I've been on it for almost 3 weeks now. So far, so good. No nasty side effects that I know of. I'm sleeping fairly well and not participating in any self destructive behaviors, so all of this is good.


For some reason the evenings bring me such anxiety. As soon as 5pm rolls around I feel so nervous, hyper and agitated. My heart starts beating fast, I can't finish anything I start, I obsessively check the locks on the doors...I don't know how to describe it other than I feel scared. I get those tingly, non fun butterflies in my tummy. I just get so lonely. Lately I've been reading to Henry and going through flashcards with him at this time to kind of calm myself and concentrate on being a parent, but it's hard.

Then when 8pm rolls around and Henry is pretty much in bed for the night I really get nervous. No amount of breath can calm me and then the tears start. I beat myself up for not being happy. I feel so guilty that I feel this way, I mean, what is wrong with me?!? I have everything I want in the world.

Then Alan comes home and I feel better. Then we go to bed...

And repeat.


joyfully gray said...

Oh bless you. I will be thinking about you non-stop and hoping that your anxiety gets better because I KNOW how you feel. Not only did I have post-partum depression, but I HAD A HUGE dose of anxiety. I had experienced anxiety before, but never to such a debilitating measure. I am talking door checking, paranoia, fear, tears, heart-racing, all of the above and more and everything that you mentioned.

While I read your post, it was like I was reading my own thoughts and experiences.

Please let me know if you need anything or just want to talk. I am finally on a medication that is helping me with the anxiety considerably. I am willing to share anything and everything with you - so please let me know if you just want to chat or exchange emails.

It can and will get better. I am living proof ... I thought it was going to kill me and I really had nobody to talk to about it. Matt could see it, my mom could see it - they helped and did what they could, but really it was my own battle. I really did not have friends to talk to about it. (I feared their judgment (nice, right?). ...Thus more anxiety, not wanting to be people's topic-du-jour, etc. Lame. I don't give a shit now.

Seriously, let me know if you need anything. You are clearly on the right path by going to the doctor and hell, just talking about it is HUGE.

sjhgray at gmail dot com

joyfully gray said...

you are an awesome mom and a great parent.

take care of yourself!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I pray this new medication helps you so you can have some peace. You know that I have my own struggle with anxiety/depression. Sometimes I'll just cry and want to hide and not deal with things. Shawn is always supportive but it feels so embarrassing. Just know you're not alone in this, even though I know it might feel you are. I'm praying for you and think of you often. I'm here anytime you need to talk. Luv ya!!

Joy said...

Anxiety seems to work like an onion. You really try to ignore it until you have this seemingly tough-shelled, odoriferous creature.

Using my own experiences, it seems there's this one little nugget of fear that gets built upon, protected, and buffered by all of these other layers so that you don't have to mess with the nugget at first. Eventually, the problem isn't just a little nugget any longer. You've stacked layers, sometimes bogus information, and sometimes other irrationalities or fears.

To fix the problems, the simplest path is usually the best: take away the layers. The best way I've figured out how to do that is start honestly asking myself questions and LISTEN. Couple the emotions with logic. They really do compliment each other, contrary to common opinion. Taking small steps, sometimes with some help, will allow you to deal with each layer as you need to, taking as much time as you need.

Right now, it seems like you've got this massive problem that you can't put your finger on and then you berate yourself about it. You're not playing for your own team! I understand guilt and whatnot, and I know it's easier to say than do.

Start with the hardest questions (because the latest layers are always the worst), which usually feel the most vague. "Why do I feel anxious?" "What am I trying to avoid?" Most likely, the answers will be so lame that you'll want to kick yourself-- but DON'T! That's the foolproof armor you set up to make yourself suffer so you don't have to face your fears. We like to set up little mental riddles so we can ensure we won't ever have to face that stupid little nugget.

By the time you get to it, it may not even apply to your life anymore. It could have been planted 20 years ago.

The biggest problem is that "you gotta wanna." It can seem like hard work. Like quitting smoking. If you don't want to quit, you won't. If you don't want to fix it, you won't. Even if you have the tools to fix it in your hands.

We're really just over-sized kids. It's okay that the little one still has some issues. You gotta let her cry every now and then. Treat yourself softer, as if you are dealing with the little girl you were. Hopefully, that will help you empathize and give you a 2nd person perspective rather than a 1st person perspective in which you beat yourself up and scold.

Hope this helps a little.