Christmakuh

Merry Christmas!

We're in Tulsa spending the holiday with my family. The flights to Tulsa last weekend were a little hectic. We got delayed in Raleigh and didn't end up taking off until 5pm when we were supposed to leave at 3. It was so much easier flying this time with Alan. Going through security yourself with a baby and a stroller is kind of hard by yourself because you have to dismantle the stroller, take off your shoes and do the whole bag thing all while holding a baby. Alan and I were able to work as a team to do it this time and didn't take nearly as long. Henry was an excellent travler again except he didn't get the memo that you just don't poop on an airplane. As soon as we took off from Raleigh my sweet little boy produced some of the loudest, most rude noises and some pretty evil smells. Alan and I argued back and forth about who was going to change him and I was the lucky one. It was seriously one of the most stressful things I've had to do...I'm still not really sure why. That tiny little bathroom with a screaming kid trying to change a very large loaded diaper without getting it all over me...oh man. I was nearly in tears when I got back to my seat. (I know, over dramatic, still not sure why it stressed me out so much, probably because he was screaming bloody murder and I could tell he was frightened).


You probably already know, but if you didn't, Tulsa had a "REAL" blizzard last night. First blizzard warning ever issued in Tulsa. Oh my God it was so wild. I have never seen such weather. It started off rain and then turned to sleet which promptly turned to snow. The wind was howling so hard it shook the house. This violent wind was blowing so hard that it took my step-fathers big grill that was pushed up against the back of the porch and moved it all the way to the edge of the porch. And it's a big grill.

I am just so happy to be inside a nice warm house with my family. A lot of people in this area are stranded at home and not able to visit family because of the roads.

Henry's done really well this trip. The first couple of days you could tell he was a little confused by our surroundings but now seems to be getting comfortable again. He got back on his normal sleeping eating schedule today. Currently he's consistantly sleeping from 10pm to 8am or so. It's amazing really. He's 14lbs and 23 inches and already wearing 6-9 month clothes at 12 weeks old. He's a big boy! I'm going to post some pictures and maybe some videos if I can figure out how to post them. He's figured out he has control of his hands and is grasping items. He laughs and smiles lots when you talk pretty to him. Every day he's more and more aware...almost like he's woken up from a long slumber and is figuring things out. Very cool.

I hope everyone's holiday is wonderful.

Being Honest

After a day of surviving on powdered donuts and Diet Co.ke, she snapped out of it and realized what a big jerk she was for feeling sorry for herself and how much she had to be thankful for.

So she stayed in her pajamas all day, watched "Chisum" and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" with her husband.

A temporary lack in sanity caused her to make the poor choice of picking up smoking again and off she goes to Target to pick up nicotine patches to quit (again). Almost went a whole year this time.

Just a little break down. Things will improve and she'll work on her attitude and perceptions. The future is bright.

She's not going to beat herself up over it. Everyone makes mistakes and they say what's most important is how one picks up the pieces and moves on.

And she will. Move on that is.

How?

As I sit here plotting out my game plan for going to the eye dr. in the middle of nap time I am pondering this thought with the humblest of heart:

HOW DO I DO THIS EVERYDAY?

How do I keep the house clean, dishes done, floor clean, bathrooms clean, kitchen mopped, countertops wiped, bottles made, dinner made, beds made, grocery shopping and household goods shopping.

That's just running the house.

Then there's my baby boy: feed him, bathe him, entertain him, burp him, put him to sleep, love on him, educate him, help him thrive, repeat.

Then there is me: take a shower, wash my hair, maybe put on a little makeup, GET DRESSED, get sleep, EAT, drink water, etc.

So like I said, I'm really not bragging at all. Or even feeling sorry for myself AT ALL. I'm just-a-thinkin'. Women and men have been doing these very same things I'm doing for millions of years with so much less. So much less and so many less conveniences, blah-fuckity-blah.

I just don't know how I do it, how ANYONE does it, day after day, and yet I am. Surviving, thriving, excelling, doing more and more every day. It's tough work. Being a Mom that is. It doesn't matter if you're a stay at home Mom/Dad, working Mom/Dad....I mean MAN, it's just fucking amazing!

Weekend Upkeep

It twas a fantabulous weekend here at the H&P household. Henry's grandparents from my husbands side came down with Christmas goodies for the boy. A play mat type thing, a few outfits, a baby silver wear set and a Christmas ornament. Mary also made a very nice jacket for Henry to wear. I'll take pictures later.

He's LOVING the play pad because he's just starting to reach out and grab for things. Here, you can see for yourself!

Scrapper Award!

Here are the Rules:

1. Must thank the person who gave you the award and list their blog and link it.

2. Share "10 Honest things" about yourself.

3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.

4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

So, I gotta Scrapper award! In a round about way Jax at The Roaring Twenties


1.) I have a bad habit for the past year. I sleep with the TV on all the live long night. It started as an "oops" and now is a comfort thing. I turn the volume down really low and sleep with a white noise maker on and it's like a cacophony in there. Noise soothes me though. I can't stand silence. But really the TV has been on "for light" since Henry's been here. Since he's been sleeping through the night there's no more excuses. So we're going to ween off of that.

2.) I have a taste for seasonal fruit. I only buy fruit in season for a couple of reasons, 1.) it's cheaper and 2.) it's at it's peak! Nature intends for us to enjoy these treats at these times. Not so much on the veggies, but Alicia and I are working on it. :)

3.) Flying with a newborn was the most terrifying thing in my mind. When I flew with Henry at 6 weeks I thought I was crazy. But it went great! People were so very nice and helpful. Henry didn't cause any problems and like Kat said the worst part was getting through security.

4.) I like to eat in bed. It's an indulgence and I love it. Sometimes I'll have a glass of wine, too. My bed is my sanctuary, my all time favorite place to be, so why wouldn't I have a snack or libation in their sometimes? No apologies.



5.) You don't have to be of any sort of religious following to appreciate the work of God all around you. In my opinion, the God I know gave me the most beautiful personal gift of all time; my intuition. And if you're lucky enough to be a woman, too, you have this gift. Just listen to yourself. Women are such incredibly smart and multifaceted individuals and we don't give each other enough credit.

6.) That being said I hate the saying "Things happen for a reason" because I think it's a horrible thing to say! "Hey Jimmy, your dad just died in an auto accident but things happen for a reason. Let me give you a hug". No. I'm sorry, sometimes there is no reason or why. It's beyond you and any comprehension anyone can have. Sometimes I feel like it's not mine or ours to decipher.I had a friend appear into my life out of no where and it was my intuition that told me to contact her. And guess what? We BOTH needed each other. All on a whimsy of mine to ask advice from this person. Now I have a close friend of which we shared a difficult time in life for a few moments.

7.) So that was getting deep. Every time Henry poops I make a big production sort of like this "OHHH MY GAWD, What is this?!?!? Alan! Alan! ALAN!!!! Oh it stinks it stinks it sticks. Oh God he's going to get it on his socks. WHAT?!? Is he still going?!?! Oh gross!!!" and on and on I go. Alan just laughs and laughs at me but really am not at my best with those doo-doo-diapers.

8.) I still miss smoking. I started smoking when I was 17 and quit last year on New Years Day. It took nicotine patches to help me quit and it was a sloooowww ween. I'll be a year cigarette free on 1/1/10

9.) I'm a sucker for those "As Seen on TV" products.. I nearly want all of them. I do have a Bump-It, lol

10.) I'm the worst with sending out Christmas/birthday/anniversary/thank you cards. But I'm working on it.


I nominate Diva at Emotional Diva because well, she's just awesome and reinforced the awesomeness in me.

Joy at Joyfully Gray because I love her writing and prose. Plus I can't wait to see what colors she paints her new house.

Miche at Coordinated Chaos because I love her so much and she's incredible. Just incredible.

Blaze - because I just love her!

Dirty Airs

So many things to share that just shouldn't be shared. So many mean things I'd like to say in the spirit of being mean. I'm really not a horrible person, I just go through violent bursts of negative energy then dive in deep to see why I really felt that way and often by that time I'm ready to write about it.

One thing my mother told me about writing is "Be prepared to piss people off. And that's okay. You just may want to give them fair warning or such.

But I'm like chasing this pipe dream of writing a book to get rich. That's right, I don't want to make a difference in the word by this work, I just want money. I feel a calling. Not like a Jesus or God calling..but a calling none the less.

This week I'm having one of those days where everyday I am a day ahead. Example: Today is Thursday. I think it's Friday. It's a sign of slowly going insane....days are long, idle hands, scary things.

I'm wearing my lingerie around the house (after Henry went to bed) because my husband isn't ever home and I want to wear it so g-damn it I will. What a waste...to have a beautiful wife at home dressed all pretty and ain't nothing to do about it. But I do feel pretty, so I guess it's something. I hope that wasn't TMI.

Just feel kind of sad, and torn. Success is a wonderful thing but at what price? Is it worth the price of not seeing your infant son go to bed every night? Apparently so in this family.

I will adapt.

Or explode.

What do YOU think?

Kinks

As with most things in life, I have no idea what I am doing. In this case it's blog design that I'm winging. So please excuse the inconsistencies and weirdness of the format while I sort it out.

Thanks to bloggy friends who've suggested sites to grab format codes from!

So, the good news is that since my Facebook strike on Monday I've found other ways to completely waste my time.

:)

Ello, ello, ello, ay-ay-ay-ay-ay ay

I've gotten to that point today where I just hate people.

Hey person in the MIDDLE OF THE AISLE at Walmart. The world is not your fucking oyster. MOVE.

Guess what? Sometimes in parking lots to help traffic flow they create something called a ONE WAY STREET. This means that you can

only go down it ONE WAY. That doesn't mean that just because you see a parking space that's 1/4 of the way closer to the store do

you get to drive down it THE WRONG WAY to get it. That's right. You have a 50/50 chance of doing this one thing correct and you

couldn't do it. And I saw you and I'm sure I swore at you. FUCKTARD.

God. Christmas time brings out the worse in me. I don't know if it's because it brings out the mole people to go shopping and

they don't know how to act in stores and parking lots or what. But I'm truly an angry person in public these days. Of course

you'd never know it because I internalize it all.

So healthy!!

Today at Kohls Henry had his first ancient person encounter. This sweet lil old lady was at least 80 if she was a day and she kept saying, "oohhhh, look at him! That's a MAN! He doesn't look like a baby girl at all. You know how some babies look like they could be a boy or girl? Oh no, not him. He's so sweet! An angel. Look at those little eyebrows coming in...." And on and on she went. Which was really flattering until it looked like she was going to touch him and then I went all Mama Bear and snatched my stroller out of her ancient claws ways. Nothing personal, it's just flu season ya know? So she was really sweet and we talked for a good 10 minutes. She was making such a fuss about Henry that other patrons came over to glance at him which made me a little
nervous. I mean I had the senior citizens club of Cary huddled around my baby and I it was getting a little warm in there.

Speaking of that. I am hot. All the time. The high here today was 49 and that's really cold to people round here. Everyone has coats and mittens on and I'm walking around in a long sleeved tee shirt. Sweating. Why am I sweating? Because carrying Henry around in his baby bucket (car seat carrier) is heavy! Plus my diaper bag has a good 15lbs of baby gear in it. When I get home
from wherever we go for the day I usually take off my shirt, stand in front of a fan and cool off in my under cami for a while. Even if the high only is 49 for the day. I wasn't this bad before I was pregnant either. Maybe my hormones are settling...


I'm moody. Angry. Touchy. I have "issues". Wanting to feel level again and hoping to even out soon. My poor, poor husband. I never take it out on Henry though, he always makes me happy. I find myself singing made up songs to him and he smiles so big. It just brings me back to earth.

I think this looks like a lot of fun but the feminist in me wants to deny it. What do you think?

Hurumph

Is there a clever term for people who disappear from Facebook, Myspace and other social media sites claiming that they are tired of said social network? You roll your eyes at such people as I have, but now,

I'd like to be labeled as one.

I'm not really going to delete any accounts, because that's silly, but I am going to try to stop frequenting them so, well, frequently these days. I'm burnt out and who fucking cares if I cleaned the house from top to bottom in 2 hours while my child was asleep and that I'm not on crack?

Status updates, while entertaining, are mostly benign.

More importantly, social media sites provide me a connection to friends in real life and on the internet and FAMILY. I'm starting to feel a disconnect from the real world and internet world. And that has to be unhealthy.

I'm going to keep writing and blogging but for a week I am avoiding facebook and twitter to give my brain a break and to get better focus on other things.

Then after a week I'm going to ease myself back into it with time restrictions.

I have a few writing aspirations that I'd like to focus on so I can become rich and famous. Or just rich. Let me tell you, this housecleaning business is for the birds and I'd love to be able to afford a talented, organized professional to handle it for me.

Do You Know What I'm Saying?

Why do baby clothes have pockets? It's not so much that I mind but that I wonder about the practicability of such a thing. I mean, they don't have things they carry around, no cell phones, money, lip gloss, etc. Which is what I carry in my pockets.

I had a baby shower to attend this weekend. My friend Jenn is due in January with a little boy. The shower was great! It was so awesome to meet all her other friends and her parents. Plus she totally got spoiled with some super gifts.

My sister in law, Angela, is due this month on the 18th! I cannot WAIT to meet her little boy, D! I'm afraid she'll have them while we're in Tulsa though. If so, we'll have to make due with photos.

Speaking of Tulsa, I'll be there from December 20-January 9th. I am so excited about Christmas with my family I cannot even tell you! Henry's going to get so spoiled by all his Aunts and Cousins and of course his Nana-Jana.


So I really can't think of too many clever things to say so here are a few pics of Sir Henry.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

And then there was me

So for the last few weeks I've reclaimed bits and pieces of myself here and there and am slowly becoming Andrea AND Mom again instead of just Mom the housewife.

It was all sparked by buying a new diaper bag. When I was pregnant I felt like (for whatever reason)I had to become practical and practical to me in a way, meant losing part of my style, sarcasm, beauty and self worth. In other words I had to become perfect, or what I perceived was perfect and just how I should act.

Ah yes, back to the diaper bag. I had this great simple black diaper bag which I really wanted and loved and was gifted with it.

But it was black. I also love handbags and dainty, but trendy, loud patterns. The black diaper bag wasn't me.

And I carried this bag around for 7 weeks pretending to be Donna Reed and then it was just like I woke up when I saw this HUGE Kathy Van Veeland zebra striped purse with pink satin lining. It just screamed at me that it was to be mine. It wasn't exactly practical or conservative, but then again I was just pretending to be that way.

Now I feel like myself again. I also feel something called ambition which I've had so little of the past 3 years. So last night in my insomnia haze I started filling out a FAFSA application. It's my goal to start college in Fall of 2010. Even if it's just a class a semester to start out. But I'm going to do it and I'm going to live up to my potential and feel good and feel proud about myself once again.

The best part is I have a husband, family and friends who'll support me and be positive influences in my life. It's your job to encourage me to do this, otherwise I fall back into the self loathing cycle I've repeated over and over my whole life.

So help me, friends, and encourage me and keep me engaged in this ambition of mine so that it's not short lived.

P.S. In no ways do I feel that being a Mother, stay at home wife, stay at home mother or martian from another world are less important or self satisfying that any other life style choice. At all, no way. This is the hardest work I've ever done! It's all about finding your personal niche. For me I think my niche may be being a Mother, Wife, Friend, Daughter, Woman and have a career, also.

A Little Cranky

Hey ya'll.

I'm sleep deprived which is TOTALLY IRONIC BECAUSE MY 8 WEEK OLD INFANT SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT. Yes, yes, ya'll. So I've spent the past 6 weeks sleeping in 3-4 hour blocks and becoming mega zombie due to sleep deprivation...

Then, miracle of all miracles I luck out and have a magical 6 week old baby boy who sleeps 7 hours straight (if you're not a parent, this may not seem like a big fucking deal. But it is. BELIEVE THAT).

I love him so, my now 8 week old baby boy, by the way.

And then I get insomnia and can't sleep and I'm so tired and I'm very hormonal, mood shifty, and my house is a disaster and my eyes itch and DID I MENTION I CANNOT SLEEP?

So yes, I shall concentrate all my efforts on taking deep breaths, in and out, in and out, and not taking out my shitty attitude on others. That's the plan.

I want, just cos....

Santa won't you get me this?

Just a Thought

Sometimes I worry about you
so
when I gaze upon your cherub shining cheeks
and I don't know what to do
with you
because your beauty has struck me

I wonder why
I sigh
and look in your eyes
just why you love me too

a reminder of what a life is
what an awesome, awesome experience we have
flashes into mind
and I reflect of all I want for you, for me

Just for a while
it's all so real and giant and beyond
spun into gold, your little heart
whose mine you hold

PS - I really suck at poetry but this came from my heart.

InTRO-Spective

It is so nice to know that if I don't want to, I don't have to go anywhere today. I have want for nothing except the silly material things.

I'm spoiled. Not in a Princess Peach pampered in the tower sort of way but I have what I want. I've worked hard for it all in my own little ways and most the time I'm happy.

I'd like to think I'm a good person and the things I don't like about myself I am trying to improve. I've heard it's a never ending process.

Things are falling into place. I have my routines and daily goals and I meet them, not easily, every day. I'm not as hard on myself these days and not nearly as weepy.

The key to my happiness is being around those I love even when I don't feel like I deserve their love or attention. When it's easier to walk away and hide. I fight that urge so hard. Every day I struggle not to retreat further into myself. Not to ignore and abuse myself. Trying to acknowledge any problems and emotional issues and work through them instead of putting on my "I'm fine, I'm happy, lalala" face. Most people who know me well don't even know I have this dark side. I'm talking about chronic depression and anxiety, something I've had and been treated for, off and on, for over 15 years. 12 years it has took for me to realize, despite dr's telling me otherwise, this this is NOT going away and like a physical malady, I will need to be treated, most likely for the rest of my life. It's hard to accept. It's hard to try so many different treatments to have them work for a while then stop. But I'm humbles to think that this is just a small cross I bear in life. It could be so much worse. It HAS been so much worse than the place I am in right now.

It sounds so corny and so cliche but I need to say it. My son has given me the biggest reason to improve and be a good person and Mom. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and gives me a reason to live and a purpose. I know, I know, I've had reasons and purposes to live before but I had been blind towards those.

I've chosen to be open about this condition time and time again because I don't have anything to hide. It helps me to be open and explain and talk about this. If it makes you uncomfortable to read this about me when you know me in real life then kindly censor what you read. Time and time again I'll always know that my writing is my therapy. Somewhere I can be honest where I know I don't have to be worried about pleasing another or disappointing someone which is one of my major issues.