Friday, December 4, 2009

And then there was me

So for the last few weeks I've reclaimed bits and pieces of myself here and there and am slowly becoming Andrea AND Mom again instead of just Mom the housewife.

It was all sparked by buying a new diaper bag. When I was pregnant I felt like (for whatever reason)I had to become practical and practical to me in a way, meant losing part of my style, sarcasm, beauty and self worth. In other words I had to become perfect, or what I perceived was perfect and just how I should act.

Ah yes, back to the diaper bag. I had this great simple black diaper bag which I really wanted and loved and was gifted with it.

But it was black. I also love handbags and dainty, but trendy, loud patterns. The black diaper bag wasn't me.

And I carried this bag around for 7 weeks pretending to be Donna Reed and then it was just like I woke up when I saw this HUGE Kathy Van Veeland zebra striped purse with pink satin lining. It just screamed at me that it was to be mine. It wasn't exactly practical or conservative, but then again I was just pretending to be that way.

Now I feel like myself again. I also feel something called ambition which I've had so little of the past 3 years. So last night in my insomnia haze I started filling out a FAFSA application. It's my goal to start college in Fall of 2010. Even if it's just a class a semester to start out. But I'm going to do it and I'm going to live up to my potential and feel good and feel proud about myself once again.

The best part is I have a husband, family and friends who'll support me and be positive influences in my life. It's your job to encourage me to do this, otherwise I fall back into the self loathing cycle I've repeated over and over my whole life.

So help me, friends, and encourage me and keep me engaged in this ambition of mine so that it's not short lived.

P.S. In no ways do I feel that being a Mother, stay at home wife, stay at home mother or martian from another world are less important or self satisfying that any other life style choice. At all, no way. This is the hardest work I've ever done! It's all about finding your personal niche. For me I think my niche may be being a Mother, Wife, Friend, Daughter, Woman and have a career, also.


emotional diva said...

i heart you. i think i may say that too much but i don't care. you say things i only wish i had thought to say.

i find myself getting so jumbled sometimes that i end up sounding like a rambling moronic boob half the time.

your personal niche: personally, fabulous! just like you!

katandkarl said...

the hardest part of becoming a mom: finding the Kat part and then finding what works for me. it's a redefine that's for sure! i'm having a good time figuring out what works, but i would be a big fat liar if i told anyone it's been easy! i feel like i have been the working FT mommy and staying home FT mommy and now stay at home plus do some freelance.... which isn't really working out that wonderfully but I feel like I have to TRY. Just to see. Who knows what might be perfect, right?

anwesha said...

I am just happy that you are not limiting yourself to any single thing,like just being a mother,or a wife,you know what I mean.I am glad you a re exploring and picking up pieces of Andrea and her ambition and trying to go ahead fulfill them.And it goes without saying ,all your friends and family are with you ,they will continue to root for you :)

Anonymous said...

I pray you never lose sight of the amazing person God made you to be and I will do all I can to help you remember! I'm excited for you, taking a step in the direction of going to school. I know you'll excel in any arena you choose and I will be cheering you on the whole way! Love you :) -Tammy

Caitlin said...

That is an AWESOME decision on your part. It's going to be hard. But totally, totally worth it. For you, for your self esteem, and for your adorable baby boy. And if you ever need some one to bitch about school with, feel free to call me. I'll probably still be in school when you get your degree! :)