Tuesday, December 1, 2009

InTRO-Spective

It is so nice to know that if I don't want to, I don't have to go anywhere today. I have want for nothing except the silly material things.

I'm spoiled. Not in a Princess Peach pampered in the tower sort of way but I have what I want. I've worked hard for it all in my own little ways and most the time I'm happy.

I'd like to think I'm a good person and the things I don't like about myself I am trying to improve. I've heard it's a never ending process.

Things are falling into place. I have my routines and daily goals and I meet them, not easily, every day. I'm not as hard on myself these days and not nearly as weepy.

The key to my happiness is being around those I love even when I don't feel like I deserve their love or attention. When it's easier to walk away and hide. I fight that urge so hard. Every day I struggle not to retreat further into myself. Not to ignore and abuse myself. Trying to acknowledge any problems and emotional issues and work through them instead of putting on my "I'm fine, I'm happy, lalala" face. Most people who know me well don't even know I have this dark side. I'm talking about chronic depression and anxiety, something I've had and been treated for, off and on, for over 15 years. 12 years it has took for me to realize, despite dr's telling me otherwise, this this is NOT going away and like a physical malady, I will need to be treated, most likely for the rest of my life. It's hard to accept. It's hard to try so many different treatments to have them work for a while then stop. But I'm humbles to think that this is just a small cross I bear in life. It could be so much worse. It HAS been so much worse than the place I am in right now.

It sounds so corny and so cliche but I need to say it. My son has given me the biggest reason to improve and be a good person and Mom. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and gives me a reason to live and a purpose. I know, I know, I've had reasons and purposes to live before but I had been blind towards those.

I've chosen to be open about this condition time and time again because I don't have anything to hide. It helps me to be open and explain and talk about this. If it makes you uncomfortable to read this about me when you know me in real life then kindly censor what you read. Time and time again I'll always know that my writing is my therapy. Somewhere I can be honest where I know I don't have to be worried about pleasing another or disappointing someone which is one of my major issues.

3 comments:

emotional diva said...

You are not corny by saying that. You are not cliche. Most of the time, it is bing responsible for another life, especially your own child's for people to see that they are worth something and someone needs them so time to get your crap together.

You are an amazing woman whether you admit it or not. You are a great friend whether you are aware of that or not. You are a beautiful person, outstanding writer, and although very new, a courageous and wonderful mother. (I would imagine you are the same for "wife" but I'm not married to you so...LOL!)

I heart you! Your blogs make my day! =)

joyfully gray said...

I'm glad you are writing about it; I think it is an important part of dealing with depression and anxiety. I know what it is like and I know that there is no easy answer and I know that some people just don't get it.

Miche said...

There are a lot of people in my family with depression and anxiety-and even though this is the first time you've openly "told me" I had picked up on it. I want you to know I'm very proud of you for sharing and finding ways to write about it AND I'm proud of you for opening your world to the joys of Henry. It is not cliche or corny; it is a beautiful self realization. :) And tomorrow we should go for a walk to get some coffee :)